Sometimes, while a person is struggling with their mental health, things happen that they later regret. What does forgiveness look like for a person whose mental illness resulted in harm? At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, in Leland, North Carolina, we think this is an important but challenging topic for our patients to consider.
Forgiving Yourself
Often, we struggle most to forgive ourselves. We may have been raised in a home where nothing we did was good enough, or we may compare ourselves harshly against others, whom we perceive to be better than us. Whatever the cause, we may not be very good at allowing ourselves to make human errors. We can unlearn this tendency consciously.
This can include practices such as:
- Talking to other people about the mistake. When we hide in shame, we can convince ourselves that we are the worst person ever. Talking to a trusted person can help us to remember that good people make mistakes and we are allowed to be human.
- Shutting down negative self-talk and replacing it with affirming messages. If your internal messaging is that you’re horrible, stupid, or unworthy, you’re going to find it harder to forgive yourself than if you remind yourself what you learned from the experience or that you were doing your best.
- Adjusting our expectations. Particularly for things that happened before you understood your diagnosis, it’s not realistic to think you should have been able to function as though you were perfectly healthy. You were in a place where your best looked different than it might have under other conditions.
- Evicting the mistake from your mind. Replaying what happened in your mind won’t change the outcome, no matter how many times you ruminate over it. When you catch yourself rehashing your regrets, try to refocus your mind on something more positive and remember that your mistakes do not define you.
- Do a mental reset. Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique (PERT) is a strategy you can use in 45 seconds to help your mind reset. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Slowly exhale and relax your body. Draw a second deep breath. Exhale. As you take a third deep breath, imagine a beautiful place or someone you love. Continue to take slow, deep breaths as you focus on the image in your mind. Notice how you are feeling.
- Do something to rectify the mistake. You cannot undo the thing you regret, but you may be able to make amends to people who were harmed, or you might be able to restore some balance by putting good into the world elsewhere.
- Take ownership. Rather than hiding from what happened, you can admit to what happened and the harm it caused and make a plan for doing things differently.
- Keep it in perspective. When you’re struggling to let go of one error, think of all of the good things you have done to help improve the world around you.
- Replace guilt with gratitude. When you’re dwelling on the past, you’re missing opportunities to find joy in the present. Wherever you find yourself, take a moment to give thanks for something or someone.
Forgiving People Who Hurt You
You may have been harmed by the choices other people made. You get to choose if you are ready to forgive them or not. If you want to forgive them, you can start by:
- Identifying who and what you want to forgive.
- Accepting your own emotions about what happened.
- Deciding that you are ready to move beyond your emotions.
- Releasing the control and power that the person and the situation had over your feelings.
If you want to forgive someone, but you’re finding it difficult to do so, it may help to:
- Think about a time when someone forgave you and how it made you feel to know you were forgiven
- Talk to someone you trust about the struggle you’re experiencing with forgiveness
- Remember that forgiveness is a process and that forgiving someone does not mean that you have to reconcile with them or restore them to the place they previously held in your life.
Making Amends
If you wish to make amends with someone who was hurt by things you did when you were struggling:
- Wait until you have had some time to forgive yourself and forgive others and to gain perspective about everything that happened.
- Take responsibility for the things that happened.
- Indicate what you have learned and what you will do differently, going forward.
- Understand that they may need time to reflect before they can forgive you and that they are allowed to decide not to forgive.
At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, we want our patients to move beyond guilt and shame to a place of self-acceptance and peace. Our therapists work with our patients on difficult emotions and thinking errors, as well as coping skills and self-compassion.
