There may be people in your life whom you only see at Thanksgiving or Christmas, and for very good reason. If you are dreading having to interact with challenging family members over the next couple of months, now may be a good time to brush up on setting and enforcing boundaries. At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, in Leland, North Carolina, we want you to know that healthy boundaries are a form of self-care.
Why We Need Boundaries
Boundaries are clear limits you put in place for your expectations, safety, and well-being. When you set a boundary, you are telling the people around you what you will and will not tolerate from them. Boundaries don’t allow you to control what choices other people make, but they do give other people advance notice of what will occur if they do not respect a boundary that you have set, which can prevent misunderstandings. Although some people perceive boundaries as unkind or an attempt to push them away, boundaries can actually bring people together when each person demonstrates that they value the wishes of the other people around them.
Holiday Specific Boundary Setting
When we are engaging with people we don’t see very often, people we know are prone to being unpleasant, or we find ourselves in overstimulating situations that threaten to put us in a grinchy mood, we might not react with the grace and composure we would normally bring to a situation. Instead of waiting until we are in the midst of a difficult moment, we can anticipate some of the most likely places where we will need boundaries and have a plan of action:
- A relative feels entitled to hugs you don’t want to give. Say “It’s good to see you, but I don’t want a hug right now,” or simply tell them, “I prefer not to be hugged.” You could also offer to shake hands, high-five, or fist bump instead.
- Your colleague is pushing you to consume alcohol at a company event where you aren’t drinking. If this has been an issue in the past, you could bring it to the attention of your supervisor or HR, who might decide it’s better to have an alcohol-free event or to remind people about not pressuring others to drink. Keeping a non-alcoholic drink in your hand will reduce the odds of you being offered a drink. You can also say, “No thanks” and walk away. Let them know that you will make a report to management if the conversation persists.
- An invitation arrives for your family to attend a holiday event that doesn’t end until after your children’s bedtime, and you know they will be miserable the next day if they don’t get to sleep on time. You could set a boundary that you will not attend events that interfere with the children’s sleep schedules or that you will get a babysitter so you can attend without them. Another boundary could be that you will leave all events by a certain time to maintain the sleep schedule your children need.
- Someone who was abusive to you previously is often invited to a dinner you have been pressured to attend. You could say, “I would like to make a request. If you want me at dinner, I would like your assurance that (person’s name) will not be there.” You could also tell your host, “I appreciate the offer, but I know it is important to you to have (person’s name) there, so I will not be able to attend.” A third boundary would be to say, “I will be there, but if (person’s name) shows up, then I will have to leave.”
- There is a lot of alcohol at the family Thanksgiving you’ve attended since childhood, and the same person gets drunk every year and starts a fight. You could have a conversation with the host about your concerns and indicate that, “If I show up for the dinner and I see alcohol, I will be leaving”. If you’re only worried about the person who always starts fights drinking, your boundary could be that you will leave if they attend the event or if you believe they are drinking. If you are told that your boundaries will not be respected, you could also offer an alcohol-free alternative at your home, for other people who are tired of holidays being ruined.
- Your extended family has gotten a lot bigger over the years, and you feel pressured to spend more money on gifts than you can afford. You could ask for everyone to come to an agreement that will reduce how many gifts people are asked to bring. You could advise that you are going to reduce how much you spend on each person’s gift, so that you do not go over your budget. You could state that you will no longer be purchasing gifts and would prefer to instead enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company.
At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, we know that it can be difficult to set boundaries, because there may be people who become upset and try to push back. You may have even been taught that you don’t have the right to set limits with other people. We want you to know that just because other people become upset doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Remain respectful, but follow through with the limits you have set to make it clear that you intend to stand firm on what you need for your well-being, safety, and happiness.
