Do you feel uncomfortable when you are establishing boundaries in your life? Does it feel like you are being mean or putting up walls? If setting boundaries makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with this. At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health in Leland, North Carolina, we want you to understand why this might be and offer some suggestions for feeling more comfortable with this important skill.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits you put in place for your expectations, safety, and well-being. There are ways for you to clearly articulate what you will do if certain things do or do not occur. They don’t control anyone’s behavior but your own. Boundaries can cover many different areas, such as:
- Physical contact: “I only hug people who are close friends or family.”
- Emotions: “I am very worn out today, so I do not have the energy to hold long, emotionally charged conversations right now.”
- Relationships: “I do not choose to have contact with people who don’t support my recovery.”
- Time: “I only have twenty minutes for this phone call. If there is more to discuss, we will need to finish our conversation later.”
- Money: “I do not spend money at retailers that give to political causes I don’t like.”
- Electronics: “I do not use electronics before bed because it interferes with my quality and quantity of sleep.”
Why Setting Boundaries Can Be Difficult
Setting boundaries can be very uncomfortable, especially if you were raised in a family that did not have healthy boundaries. You may have been taught that setting boundaries is not allowed, and you may experience pushback when you do establish limits. If you were taught that your self-worth depends on what you do for other people, you may feel like you are being a bad person if you don’t give people what they want. Even if you don’t meet resistance when you set a boundary, you may find it difficult because it’s new and you have not had a chance to practice the skill yet. Any new behavior can feel awkward and uncomfortable until you get used to doing it.
Boundaries Are Not Mean
It is important to remember that a boundary is not the same thing as a wall. “Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out. They’re about loving ourselves enough to let the right people in, in the right way,” According to Brene Brown, a social worker and best-selling author with expertise in shame and vulnerability. “Boundaries aren’t rejection, according to Brown, “They’re clarity and clarity is kind.” You’re trying to draw people closer by setting clear expectations and limits, so that everyone feels safe and has their needs met. The people who genuinely care about you will respect your boundaries, and if the only way you can stay in their life is to say yes, then that isn’t a real, reciprocal connection.
Benefits Boundaries Provide
When we are afraid to voice boundaries, people sometimes get the idea that we are happy with the status quo, and we can become resentful because we aren’t getting what we need. Because guilt is temporary, but resistance builds, setting boundaries leads to harmony. Not doing so can encourage people to keep score because they gave up what they needed, out of fear that setting a boundary would create conflict. When we speak up and clearly voice our needs, then we can more effectively manage the expectations of the people who are involved. This may upset some people because it will mean that they aren’t getting what they want, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to speak up for yourself. Their feelings and how they manage those feelings are not your responsibility.
How to Set a Boundary
Remember why you’re setting the boundary. You’re being kind and respectful to yourself, not trying to hurt someone else. It may be easier to start small if you’re not used to setting boundaries. Some sentences you might use to talk about a boundary you would like to establish could be:
- “I would like to make a request.”
- “I want to talk about something.”
- “I would like to discuss what happened yesterday.”
- “I appreciate the offer. I would like to think about it and get back to you.”
At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, we treat adolescents, adults, and families who are experiencing a behavioral health crisis and need acute support. In some cases, developing healthy boundaries and understanding the importance of respecting boundaries set by others can be part of their healing process.
