It’s so hard, watching someone you love suffer. It can be tempting sometimes to step in and protect them. Unfortunately, this attempt to help a person who is important to you can actually cause them harm. At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, in Leland, North Carolina, we help families learn how to provide support without enabling unhealthy choices.
What is Enabling?
Enabling is when someone protects another person from receiving the consequences of their choices, which may include making excuses, lying to cover for them, or giving them resources that allow them to continue making poor decisions. It is problematic because consequences, whether good or bad, are what allow people to learn how to do better. Without consequences, a person with a behavioral health disorder will likely become sicker instead of getting better. Some examples of enabling, as it pertains to behavioral health, include:
- Allowing abusive behavior to continue by categorizing it as part of a person’s mental health disorder.
- Hiding the severity of a family breadwinner’s substance misuse because that person missing work to go to treatment will cause financial difficulties.
- Giving money to an adult child who spends their own cash on drugs.
- Doing something for someone that they can and should be doing for themselves, such as taking on responsibility for tasks they aren’t completing due to their substance use.
Why Does Enabling Happen?
Enabling is often something people learn if they are raised in a codependent family unit, which generally involves one or more of the following:
- Addiction
- Abuse
- Chronic illness
People who engage in enabling are often repeating patterns they learned in childhood and don’t know another way to engage with people in their lives:
- It is possible that they do not realize this is what they are doing. They may think that they are helping the person, and they may feel good because they are sacrificing for the person they love.
- They may be in denial about the severity of the problem. Their enabling behavior may allow them to believe the problem isn’t as bad because they can prevent the very consequences that they would otherwise point to as a sign of the problem.
- They may find it easier to blame someone else for the problem. If that ex hadn’t broken their heart, that bully hadn’t harassed them in school, their boss wasn’t a jerk, etc., then none of this would have happened, they might say.
- The consequences may fall on them too. If one spouse loses their job because they were too drunk or hung over to show up, then the other spouse is going to feel the impact. If the kids act out because they are sick of being disappointed by a parent who doesn’t follow through, they are probably going to take out their feelings on the other parent, so it’s easier to lie and cover for them.
- Sometimes people just don’t want to deal with a confrontation. Admittedly, people who are in active addiction don’t typically respond well to being called out on their behavior. An enabler may have learned that it’s just easier to ignore the behavior or avoid the person engaging in it.
- Enablers want to believe their loved one has learned their lesson. They don’t want their loved one to wind up homeless or without food because they spent all of their money on an addictive substance, so they pay their bills, buy their groceries, cover for them to their boss, or look the other way when their friend or family member steals from them. This all allows the behavior to continue because the consequence is what helps people to learn from their mistakes and decide they need to make changes.
How to Empower, Not Enable
When people recognize themselves in the descriptions above, they may wonder how they can stop enabling and start empowering instead. It’s important to remember that your loved one still needs your love and support. You just need to modify how you show it so that it encourages their recovery and empowers them to get healthier:
- Show concern for their well-being by talking about what you see. You may want to say, I am worried that you could lose your job because you seem to be missing a lot of work. I am concerned that your children might not be getting to know you because you’re at the bar or recovering from a hangover several times per week. I am worried about your marriage because you’ve mentioned that your spouse does not approve of your substance use. I am concerned about your safety because you mentioned that you could not remember driving home from the bar last week.
- Set realistic boundaries. Set boundaries by establishing what you will do if they engage in behavior that you aren’t able to accept such as not allowing the person to come into your house if they are high, not paying rent if they miss work due to being hung over, or not bailing them out if they are arrested again. You can also refuse to stay on the phone if they swear at you or call you names.
- Confront unacceptable behavior. You can do this in a respectful, honest way.
- Listen when they need to talk about their problems. Offer to help them think through their options.
- Don’t jump in to rescue them. Show that you believe they are capable by holding them accountable for their choices and letting them experience the consequences of their decisions.
- Get support for yourself. Consider joining a group like Co-Dependents Anonymous, so you can learn more about codependency and learn healthier ways to engage with the people you love.
At Carolina Dunes Behavioral Health, we approach behavioral health with compassion, empathy, and honesty. Our team offers trauma-informed, evidence-based treatment that is tailored to meet the needs of each patient.
